And now, a message from our CEO, Steve Layoffs.

Hello, and thank you for joining us on this glorious of all days – the best day of your lives!

We have something really special to share with you today. You already know all about it, because our marketing department has been leaking information to the eager press about it for months! We were just testing to see if you would actually want this thing we’re introducing today, and it seems you’d at least spend your money on it, so we went ahead and created it to sell to you.

Have I mentioned yet how this is the best day of your lives? You’ll tell your grandchildren about today, that’s for sure.

This new product is groundbreaking. So groundbreaking, in fact, that it defies categorization. Yes, we’ve just created a new product category for this. You didn’t need this before today, but after we introduce it, we’re sure you’ll be trampling each other in our stores, Black Friday style, just to buy this beauty on that overdrawn Visa card.

Before we begin, let’s just start by stating the obvious. Music is dying. Movies are dying. Books are dying.

Just kidding! They’re not, because we’ve created new ways for you to re-buy your entire music collection, and watch your favorite TV shows over and over again – all using your shiny silicon box. Soon, we’ll tell you how you’ll be reading books and magazines in the future. We hold no inventory, and it doesn’t cost us any more to sell one song, or a billion. The future is digital, and we control it! Yes!

Today is a glorious day.

Isn’t America a great place? We have so much innovation. It’s right out of old sci-fi movies. At Celery, we pride ourselves at making things right out of sci-fi movies, making you want them, and then taking your money. We take cash, checks, or credit. We don’t care how you pay, and you don’t either. Today, society isn’t about who has the most money, it’s about who has the neatest gadgets. Everyone from millionaires to welfare recipients can afford one of our products and look like a million bucks.

There’s a Celery device for everyone!

So forget about the unemployment rate, inflation, the cost of living, housing prices, the cost of education, and retirement. I don’t care and neither should you. Just spend, and you’ll be happy. Buy a Celery product and be cool. Trust me, people will like you. All your dreams will come true, if you buy one of our products.

Oh, yeah, our new device is a stone tablet. Let the frenzy begin.